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<title>Finding Courage by Lady_Vader_76 (TricksterxArchangel)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23204041">Finding Courage</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TricksterxArchangel/pseuds/Lady_Vader_76'>Lady_Vader_76 (TricksterxArchangel)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 08:21:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,968</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23204041</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TricksterxArchangel/pseuds/Lady_Vader_76</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You wake up &amp; find yourself alone, except there are voices in your head that have never been there before...&amp; outside there are terrifying creatures lurking in the dark.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Friendship - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Finding Courage</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this after listening to a seriously awesome ASMR artist on YouTube named Denzokolo Gomez. He’s probably the best Kylo Ren/Ben Solo cosplayer out there &amp; his content is A+! I highly recommend checking his stuff out! 😊</p><p>This particular vignette takes place after an ASMR piece he posted on Feb. 20th: https://youtu.be/BWafRaktWpE you should check it out!</p><p>DISCLAIMER: The following is purely my imagination! I have no clue where Denzokolo is going with his story. If you have watched his stuff, you’ll already know this when you read my fic. If I write other vignettes, the same disclaimer will apply. It’s simply where my mind wandered. Thank you for reading &amp; again, please check his YouTube channel out!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>‘Be with me…’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Be with me…’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Be with me…’</em>
</p><p>You shot up out of a sound sleep, eyes searching your surrounding wildly. A book fell to the floor with a soft ‘thump’. It was pitch black in the makeshift quarters you currently shared with Ben Solo.</p><p>
  <em>‘Be with me…’</em>
</p><p>Your eyes widen, <em>Ben</em>. That was Ben’s voice,<em> in your head</em>. You knew he was capable of many things, the Force was a gift you could barely begin to understand. But he <em>had</em> mentioned more than once that it was a gift you had as well. There had been occurrences here &amp; there throughout your life, but nothing that would suggest you had the Force, at least not to the ability he did.</p><p>
  <em>‘Be...be with me…’</em><br/>
<em>‘Please…’</em>
</p><p>You shook your head, as if trying to clear your thoughts. He sounded...<em>weaker</em>? Like he was...<em>fading</em>? That was crazy, Ben Solo wasn’t weak, he was a Jedi; despite him telling you Rey was the last of their kind. Not only was he a Jedi, he was a Jedi who knew the power of the Dark Side. That had to count for something, right?</p><p>You slid from the small pallet you’d been sleeping on, your foot nudging the fallen book. Picking it up you recognized Ben’s sketchbook, you’d fallen asleep with it after he’d left. You glance outside &amp; realize that was <em>hours</em> ago. <em>Why were you sleeping so much lately?</em> Ben didn’t seem to mind, he was quite patient with you, but it was becoming bothersome to you.</p><p>Something was <em>wrong</em>. Ben should have been back, it was so dark out. Suddenly there was an unGodly shriek, &amp; you knew it was a flock of those bad birds Ben had spoken of. The ones that only came out at night &amp; ate anything &amp; everything.</p><p>You felt another nudge, a tingle at the back of your mind, a voice you don’t recognize:</p><p>
  <em>‘Ben…? I can hear you...Ben…!’</em><br/>
<em>‘Where are you?!’</em>
</p><p>You scrabble along the side of your pallet, beside the rock wall &amp; come up with your small flashlight. It’s not much, but it’s a light. You didn’t dare to take the time to light a fire &amp; make a torch. You’re about to head out, <em>exactly</em> what Ben told you <em>not</em> to do when the beam of your flashlight catches something dark &amp; metallic near the head of Ben’s pallet.</p><p>Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. That would be way better than the tiny flashlight you currently held. Not only would it be light, but it would be protection, not that you knew how to wield it; but a sword was a sword, right? Slowly, as if afraid Kylo Ren himself would suddenly materialize, you creep to Ben’s pallet &amp; pick it up. It felt lighter than when you found it on the beach that day, on the moon of Endor. Perhaps it had dried out? You’d tried to turn it on when you found it (come on, who <em>wouldn’t</em> have?!) &amp; to your disappointment it hadn’t made a sound.</p><p>You closed your eyes,<em> ‘Please work...please work...please Kylo, let this work…’</em> You swallow hard &amp; push the button to ignite the blade. There is a moment of tense silence, the hilt trembling in your hand &amp; suddenly your small quarters were filled with the sound of the saber shrieking to life; red light bathed you.</p><p>Your eyes widen in shock. It <em>worked</em>. The blade crackles &amp; hums with energy, you expect to see sparks dancing from it, what with the sounds it makes. But the red beams burn brightly, steady, ready to light your way. You give it a careful, experimental swing, it’s strangely light in your hand, all you really feel is the weight of the hilt. It hums reassuringly when you swing it a little faster, careful to not touch it to anything, you can feel the heat coming off of it. There is another shriek &amp; you remember the task at hand. You look out into the darkness, you have no way of knowing which way Ben had even gone. With a last, worried look at your quarters, you turned &amp; headed out into the pitch black. Two steps out &amp; you stopped &amp; closed your eyes. A few deep breaths &amp; you turned, heading in what you hoped was the right direction, Kylo Ren’s red saber held in front of you.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Finding Strength</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Once again you awake alone, though thankfully minus the voices in your head. However, the memory of a conversation with Kylo Ren the night before weighs heavy on your mind.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><strong>NOTES:</strong> I am not a medical professional! The following fic is simply <em>MY INTERPRETATION</em>! Denzokolo could have a <em>VERY DIFFERENT</em> interpretation of where this is going. </p><p>Dissociative Identity disorder<br/>Also called: DID, Multiple Personality Disorder:<br/>A disorder characterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality states.<br/>Dissociative identity disorder, previously called multiple personality disorder, is usually a reaction to trauma as a way to help a person avoid bad memories.</p><p>Dissociative identity disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct personality identities. Each may have a unique name, personal history, and characteristics.</p><p>Signs and symptoms:<br/>Fear of abandonment - People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone<br/>Unstable relationships<br/>Unclear or shifting self-image<br/>Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors<br/>Self-harm<br/>Extreme emotional swings<br/>Chronic feelings of emptiness<br/>Explosive anger</p><p>Once again, this is loosely based on YouTube Artist, Denzokolo Gomez’s Ben Solo/Kylo Ren ASMR Videos. This particular vignette takes place after a video he posted on Mar. 13.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You awoke slowly, like crawling out of a fog. Your body was stiff, as though you had slept hard and deep, and you had moved very little. Groaning you opened your eyes, the morning sun was filling your quarters and birds sang outside. Ben was nowhere to be found and for reasons this was actually comforting. </p><p>     <em>Kylo Ren.</em> Your brain said what your mouth could not. You knew Ben Solo and Kylo Ren were the same person, a good portion of the Galaxy actually knew this. Sure, there were those who believed General Organa’s son had been killed when Luke Skywalker’s Jedi Temple had been destroyed; no one wanted to believe the son of Rebel Heroes had gone down the same path as his Grandfather, Darth Vader.  Perhaps in a way, for a time Ben <em>had</em> been ‘dead’. But much like Kylo still lurked in Ben, Ben had been fighting to free himself of Kylo. </p><p>     Which brought you back to the present. You’d seen glimpses of Kylo in Ben. Always when Ben was using the Force to draw fear &amp; anger from you. It was as if these emotions fed Kylo, giving him the strength to break free of whatever chains Ben had placed around him. However Ben was always able to subdue Kylo and return to himself, and he was always <em>aware</em> of what had happened. This time it had been all Kylo; Kylo had awakened you, and had also informed you that Ben was sleeping. His voice was different, his mannerisms had been different; but most telling of all, his eyes had been different. They bore into yours with an intensity that was different from Ben’s; fear, anger and hurt mingled together. Yet he still spoke calmly to you, almost gently, explaining that he wasn’t going anywhere. </p><p>     You hadn’t even been aware that you were somehow trying to push him away from you. Not until he’d gripped his head with a grimace, his dark eyes boring into yours. <em>‘Don’t push me away.’</em>,  he hadn’t even sounded that angry, simply resigned; which when you thought about it was sad. Kylo was used to being pushed aside, feared. Maybe he just needed someone to listen to him?</p><p>     Kylo always spoke calmly to you, never screaming or lost his temper. Granted, you weren’t exactly on his page with what he was telling you...but he never flipped out on you either. Even when you called him a monster, which let’s face it; not your finest moment. You’d been surprised when he’d agreed with you, you’d been even more surprised when he’d called you were a beauty. You were pretty sure your jaw had dropped open. It had been completely out of the blue, and you had been stunned. Even more stunned when he asked you to join him. Join him? Where? Doing what? That part hadn’t been so clear, or maybe it had; but you’d gotten a little side-tracked when he said you were ‘nothing’. That had been a bit uncalled for. Just because you were alone in the Galaxy, you weren’t ‘nothing’. You were a person, the same as he was...though you got the feeling that maybe Kylo felt as insignificant as you did. He wasn’t wrong in that you had no place in the greater story of the Galaxy. But that didn’t mean you didn’t have a place. Everyone had a place, apparently even Kylo Ren. When he broke down and actually said ‘please’, that’s when you started to realize, Kylo was lonely. Or at least that was the feeling you got. When he began to bargain with you, saying Ben would come back, almost pleading as he promised you that you could come to an agreement of sorts. Your heart cracked like his unstable Kyber and you agreed. To what, you still didn’t know, but his broken ‘thank you’ was really all you needed. </p><p>     And then, he had shifted gears so quickly it was like being thrown into hyperspace when you least expected it. Offering to help you sleep, using the Force to find out what was bothering you. And, okay, maybe that was a little pushy, but he didn’t hurt you when he did it; and you knew he was capable of that if he wanted to. No, he was careful and only drew out what was keeping you from falling into a deep sleep. The fact that you were genuinely concerned about both himself and Ben. His confession of their concern for you, again it was a good thing you were sitting, because otherwise you’d have fallen down in surprise. </p><p>     His admission of how much he hated this planet, it tore at your heart. You knew the feeling, you’d fled Tatooine as soon as you were able. You’d hated living on the sandy, barren desert, you knew you belonged someplace that had greenery, that led to your flitting from planet to planet for a bit until you’d ended up here. His anger at Ben, and Ben’s need to ‘find himself’. It made you wonder how hard Ben was pushing aspects of his personality aside to try and fit some sort of mold in his head of what he <em>thought</em> he should be. You started to wonder just how much of the legendary Han Solo was really in him, and how much of it he was fighting to push aside? Just what you were supposed to make Ben understand, you weren’t sure; maybe it would come to you? Then, there was the positively jealous tone he had when he mentioned you getting your own Lightsaber, what was that about? </p><p>     It had all been a lot to take in. You had been more than grateful for his assistance in falling asleep. Though it struck you as interesting that his methods were very similar to Ben’s. The mantras nearly identical, perhaps Kylo wasn’t as close to the Darkside as he liked to think he was? Still, whatever it was he had done; it was quite something because you hadn’t moved all night &amp; Ben was gone. He was never gone when you woke up. You decided to try and make yourself somewhat presentable and find something to eat out of the provisions. Ben or Kylo would return soon enough and you needed to decide when and how you were going to broach the subject of what had happened.</p><p>     You had been attempting to meditate for half an hour or so when you heard footsteps approaching. They were light, they were Ben’s. He entered your quarters &amp; his face lit up.<br/>
“Y/n! You’re awake!” There was evident relief in his voice. “You were asleep when I got back last night, so I didn’t bother you. But this morning...you had barely moved, &amp; I couldn’t wake you up. I was...I was getting worried.”<br/>
It was then that you noticed he had one of the water skins filled up with fresh water. You grinned, “I hope you weren’t going to dump that cold water on me?” You giggled.<br/>
“What?! No!” His face paled until he realized you were teasing. “You’re awful! We just needed more water. C’mon, if you’re ready we can go out into the woods, I found a new place where we can meditate, if you’d like.”<br/>
You nodded, standing, “A change of scenery would be nice.” <em>‘And I have plenty to meditate on.’</em> you thought. </p><p>     Before long the two of you were headed out, a small bag with food &amp; Ben’s sketchbook in your hands, while he carried water &amp; his lightsaber</p>
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